Pickle Don’ts

Pickles have always been at the top of my list of favorite foods.  When I was six, I got excited about pickles the way most kids got excited about ice cream.  When I was eight, I convinced my mom to buy the gallon jars because they were cheaper.  And it meant that it took longer for the supply to run out.

I brought my love for pickles into some of my early chemistry and cooking experiments.  I tried making Peter Pan Peanut Butter, Salami and pickle sandwiches,  Heinz Ketchup and pickle sandwiches, and substituted them for peaches on top of cottage cheese.  These, it turns out are “don’ts.”  They also didn’t add much to fried Spam.  These early adventures helped me understand that just because you love something doesn’t mean that it’s always good.

I must not be the only person who loves pickles enough to experiment.  Look up pickles on Google and you’ll find recipes like branston pickle and peanut butter sandwiches, peanut butter and pickle pizza, and even dehydrated pickles.  I’m guessing that these are probably “don’ts.”  There has also been an explosion of pickle flavored potato chips and crisps.  Pringles now offers Extreme Screamin’ Dill Pickle Potato Crisps.  One of the more interesting attempts at making pickle crisps comes from a company called Lesser Evil.  They make Dill Pickle Chia Crisps.  Turns out they are a “don’t” with a capital D. If I had read the label beyond the part that says they are gluten free, vegan, Kosher,  and “good for you,” I would never have bothered.  Black beans, chia seeds (as in the seeds you use to grow your Chia Pet) and lots of dill, not so much pickle – this recipe should never gotten past the taste test phase.

I turns out that pickle products are no longer limited to food groups.  Many of these are iffy at best.   Pickle Soap, for example, should never have been invented.  Anyone who really loves pickles probably exudes pickle juice through their pores as it is, amplifying the pickle scent is just not sociable.  The same goes for Dill Pickle Mints, and Big Papa Dill Pickle Lip Balm.

The pickle toys are more sketchy.    Accoutrements sells a Battery Opperated Yodelling Pickle – which may be a choking hazard from small children or anyone else who tries to suck on it.

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For folks who want a quieter pickle toy, Office Playground sells a Pickle Stress Toy.

I don’t really know if these are “Do’s” or “Don’ts.”  I suppose it depends on what you want to use them for.  I think they might make great gag gifts… but I really don’t what to think about what one might do with one of these toys on a lonely winter’s eve.

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About reginasewell

I am a counselor, psychodramatist, writer, healing practitioner and college professor. I have a monthly column, "InsightOut" in Outlook (www.outlookcolumbus.com), an essay, "Sliding Away" in "Knowing Pains" and a book out "We're Here! We're Here! We're Queer! Get Used to Us!" My goal, through my writing, counseling and teaching is to help people heal from the emotional wounds and limiting beliefs that keep them from living engaging and meaningful lives.
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